Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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