are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize