Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
where are my eyebrows?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
