Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
