You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
