how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
