i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
