I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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