remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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