Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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