if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
