Your face is a jimmy john
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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