imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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