Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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