So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
