My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize