i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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