If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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