it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize