I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize