He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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