the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
