I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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