it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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