You made me cry and you don't even care
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
