1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
