Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
