In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
