thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
