Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize