Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize