Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
