I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
