I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
