Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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