I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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