had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
