so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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