He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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