a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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