Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
