i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
