i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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