I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
sex in a hospital.. check
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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