you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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