I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
