Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
