I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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