what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
