my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
