It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
