dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize