Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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