my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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