Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
