you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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