hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
